the goodies.

the parent I am.

kiddo

As most of my close friends know, my fiance Marisa and myself are getting certified to be foster parents so we can adopt our daughter. With that being said, it is a very lengthily process that can make or break you. We have had a few different interviews now, each one had been filled with so many questions.
The questions can be about anything. The type of people we are, what abuse did we face as children, if we faced any at all, how our families were, how our parents were, and sometimes super awkward vulgar questions that sort of make you freeze… but there’s no need to go into details on those. Any way,each interview has targeted different emotions and thought processes, and have also been very educational. All though ALOT of the questions stick with me and stay on my mind….. a particular one has not left.

These interviews have taught me things about my family that I never knew before… granted I know where I’m from and the type of parents I had, I guess I never really understood how their decisions…. or lack of, could affect me. I was so use to taking care of myself, that I never really had to time to question why my parents were the way they were, and why major parenting skills were completely neglected by them. None of it actually clocked in my brain up until recently…

“After coming from the childhood and home that you did, and after how you were raised and the trials you faced, what did it teach you about parenting? What kind of parent can and will you be?”

I just want to be the parent they weren’t.

I want to be caring.

I want to be understanding…

but more importantly I will love them unconditionally regardless of their sexuality or the way they style their hair.

I will love all of their flaws.

I will teach my child the embrace the flaws that they do have, because it makes them unique.

I will fight for them.

I will protect them.

Although, I may hurt their feelings at some point… I will never hurt them so bad that the damage and words I’ve said to them will be carried through out their entire life.

I will never abandon them.

I just want to be a good mom, and I want to be the parent that their child will hold close to their heart…. not the parent that breaks it.

I want my child to be focused on her education, and her beautiful life… not the words that others through out at her in the hallways at school.

I want my daughter to see that her beauty is not measured by the weight that is shown on the scale. It’s not the brands of make up on her skin, or the look of her clothing. It’s not about boys or whoever telling her she is beautiful. I want to be the mom that shows her child she is beautiful within, I want to be the mom that teaches her daughter to love herself from within

I never want my daughter to have to question her self, as the result of bad parenting. I never want her to feel as though she isn’t good enough, smart enough or capable of doing whatever her beautiful little heart desires.

I look at our little girl, who isn’t so little and question how a parent could ever be anything but great to her.I see my entire life being devoted to this awesome human, that I didn’t carry for nine months. I see my daughter getting ready for school dances, I see her needing her “family hugs” from her mom and momma. I see this child becoming anything that she dreams of, and that alone makes me want to be the best mom and ro-model that I can be.

Your little girl.

I’ve always been daddies little girl. My mom was crap…. not a crappy person…. but as herself she was crap. The countless jail visits, the countless guilt trip phone calls, the countless knocks on the doors… everything was just crap. The mother wasn’t around, the father was. My story has recently changed… and although it’s the worst heart break a daughter could ever endure, it has made me hold my little girl closer, it has made my love for my fiancé and our relationship grow stronger, and it has made me a unbreakable. 

My dad was always my best friend growing up.  I laughed with him, cried with him, held his hand during chemo, went on dates to Barnes & noble on the weekends, worked underneath cars with him, and the list goes on. I was with my dad, and he was with me… most of the time. Stacy was sent to prison for an actual lengthy sentence and my dad was left with me. Although it sort of felt like a custody battle where I was just being used as a trophey, I could understand that my dad loved me and wanted to keep me safe. Besides, my “mom” was in prison… so there was technically no reason for anyone to even conversat about who was getting me.

My brother left for the marines the summer before I was a sophomore. I went crazy and decided that drinking and smoking was much more fun than actually getting an education, and at the time… it was worth losing everything that mattered to me. So I went ahead and threw everything away.  During that time, my father and I had a rocky relationship… we had an argument. I still remember the exact words he said to me. At 24, they still make my heart crumble and break.  “You’re just like your mom”. “I’m ashamed of you”. “Pack your bags, I’m taking you to DHS.” Although I deserved the reality check to make me realize what a shit head I was being, I never thought I would ever hear those words from someone that I cared about, and loved. They have followed me through out my adult life, and I don’t think they will ever actually go away.

Ive always been ambushed by negativity whenever I did anything against what my father thought or said. I was young, got married way to fast, and ended up being separated my entire relationship.  I remember every time this situation would bother me or cause me grief, it was always “I told you so”, even though I never once had anyone “tell me so” that my marriage would end and would make me a better person in the long run… and would bring out the real me. I came out to my family that I was interested in women when I was 20 years old…. of course I know they all thought it was just “phase” after what had happened to me during the marriage…. but I truly think it took them by surprise when they realized that I’m in love with my soul/life partner Marisa…. and that I’m going to marry her. Even with this…. there was no support. We got support from my step mom, only for it to be thrown back in my face, just like everything else had before by my father. Everything was once again my fault and I was the shameful daughter and that was selfish and didn’t care about anyone but myself so on and so on.

 

So wth that being said, now that I’ve written a damn near novel…. this is for you. The man I loved more than life itself, the man who created me, the man who was apart of all of my big “firsts” and the man who finally broke my heart and spirit before any other man could. This one is for you, dad.

I will think of you every single day, I will pray for you.  I will always send my best wishes to you on whatever path you will set out on.  I will always hold to open arms to hug you with if you are ever to come my way.   I will always remember to be strong, and I will always be able to pick myself back up after being kicked down by the negative and heart breaking words that others chose to speak. I will never forget the life lessons you taught me, I will never forget the times I held your hand so tight in fear of losing you.  I will never forget the times I helped you and your family. I will never forget the jokes we had, reading books in isles for hours at a time, or the few heart warming conversations we had.

Thank you, for everything you did for me as a child. Thank you for walking away from me as a woman. Thank you for breaking my heart into a million pieces, and thank you for not putting them back together… because I put them back together. I’ve accepted that ou were the best father you were able to be. I forgive you, and I admire you.

 

I always have, and I always will.

 

Love, your little girl.

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first blog post, oh lord.

Hey everyone!

I’m excited that you’ve decided to dig a little further into my blog! If anyone is even reading this….. if not…. I guess I’m typing all of this to myself!  I know some people have a theme for the things they blog about…. however mine will sort of be all over the place.  I’ll be blogging about my life and living with depression, and anxiety. I’ll be blogging about my amazing partner and girlfriend Marisa Anne. I’ll be blogging about things that piss me off throughout the week. I’ll be blogging about my life with my dogs and how much I love them. There is no limitation to what I can and will share… so hang on tight and enjoy the read!

so anyways…. here’s a little about ME… and my story.

My name is kelsey, obvi. I’m 23 years old, and I work in the medical field as a QMAP and care giver. I love my job, the people I meet and get to take care of, and I love that each person brings a new lesson to my life. I was born in Virginia and somehow ended up in grand junction Colorado. Most people hate this town, but just like anywhere you go a place will have its ups and its downs. I’ve packed my things countless times and moved away… but for some reason I’ve found my self calling this little town home, again….. and possibly forever this time. I’m in love with my little slice of heaven Marisa Anne. This woman is gold, and is just hands down the best thing I’ve ever been blessed with. Who knew I would walk into jimmy johns for a sandwich, and see my entire life right there behind the counter. crazy right? But that story is for another post. we have FOUR dogs….. yes you read that correctly. FOUR. Milo, Duke, Kooper, and Petunia (luna) are our children. They are absolutely crazy and have the silliest personalities, but we love them more than anything.

I love the out doors, and cooking, and eating, and singing and painting and dancing and reading and basically anything else there is to do in this world. I aspire to make a difference in this world, and help as many people as I can before my time here is up. I have depression, and anxiety. I live with both of them every single day and right now I’m fighting more than ever to be off my antidepressants FOREVER. I also have a tiny form of OCD that helps me cope with my depression and anxiety…. so its an interesting yet comical combination of things to experience.

 

Anywho, this was my first blog post!

See ya later world!

 

  • kelsey