It’s taken me forever to understand the fact that my biological mother had mental problems, drug addictions and other issues that were not my fault. It took me forever to understand that she was an adult, she made her own decisions, and those decisions were not my fault. Neither were the consequences that she faced. Setting aside all the wrong she did, and how much she put my brother and my self through… I never had the chance to say “I forgive you”, without her screaming at me.
So Stacy, this ones for you.
I remember the countless times you weren’t there. I remember growing up completely aware that everything was my fault, and that I was unloveable. I remember the screaming and yelling, but regardless of all of that… I forgive you.
I remember not having food in the house to fill up my empty tummy, and I remember the times James would send you money to get groceries only for you to spend it on drugs. I remember the times you did cook, and I remember how much my body and heart would ache for those meals… but pills became your priority and pills became what you fed us. I forgive you.
I remember the countless times I watched officers put you in handcuffs. I remember hearing you scream out that you “didn’t do anything” and the charges were all lies. I remember the cops searching our house for you and them coming through our back door to find you hiding behind a couch… you used me as an excuse that day. You said I was sick, and that everything you were doing was for me. I was never sick, it was a Saturday morning and I was sleeping. I forgive you.
I remember the time I was at home alone. I remember cops knocking on the front door and asking where you were. I remember telling them I didn’t know, I remember saying you had left a while before they had arrived. I remember them sitting out front of our house until you got back. I remember them telling you to get me and Tyson out, and that we were being evicted.
I remember you taking me and Tyson to my brothers baseball coaches house, and I remember trying to deny that you were having an affair with him. I remember being homeless for a few months after that. I forgive you.
I remember when I was 13. I was really sick with strep and had an extremely high fever. I woke up in the middle of the night to find that you and my brother were gone. I remember calling you and asking where you were. I remember you answering your phone laughing, and saying you were drunk. I remember hearing you say that brandan was “shit faced”, he was 16. I remember you coming to get me, I remember you sneaking me out of the house so that James wouldn’t wake up. I remember telling you that “I wanted my dad”. I remember you saying shut up. I remember getting in the car with a bunch of drunk teenage boys. I remember you and the coach making me drive because you guys couldn’t. I remember getting to the coaches house and finding my brother passed out, and being turned onto his side because he was puking. I remember hiding under a bed that night in a strangers house, and I remember keeping an eye on my brother. I forgive you.
I remember both the physical and emotional abuse you enflicted on me. I remember growing up after you finally went to prison. I remember acting out and damn near throwing my life away. I remember every day looking in the mirror and hating the face looking back at me. You created me, your eyes were the same as mine, and so were many other charateristics. I remember every day telling my self what you had repeated to me for years. I remember answering phone calls from you only for you to be crying and only thinking of yourself, and not how you absent parenting affected your two children. I forgive you.
Here I am today, 24 with a family of my own. I have a 16 year old that my fiancé and I are adopting. I have dogs. I have my own home. I have a really good job that I love, and I’m getting ready to go back to school to excel even more into the medical field. I have friends that have become my family. I’ve decided to learn from everything you did or didn’t do, rather than being bitter and cold. I’m being the best mom I can be, the best fiancé I can be, the best human I can be, and the friend that I can be.
I made it…. only because I found forgiveness in myself that I could share with you.
So remember three words, I forgive you.