I don’t know how it happened again. One day I was fine, strong, happy and laughing… the next I was hiding away in a slump doing my best to avoid any interactions with any signs of life. I thought I was stronger than this… but it’s back, and stronger than before. Depression.
I guess it never really goes away completely. It will hide in tiny corners letting you have a glimpse of normalcy, only for it to appear from the shadows and remind you that you have no control over it. Here I was, without my antidepressants thinking I was kicking ass. Thinking I would never need them again. Thinking I finally beat the fucking storm. So much for “thinking” anything. All of this thinking made me misplace the reality that depression can come back, and more often than not it does.
But how? How the fuck did it come back? I just got married. I just started my career. I just got to where I wanted to be in life. I just got to feeling normal without medication. I just got back to … feeling… I’m back to the numbness. I’m back to the point of over sleeping. I back to shitty eating habits, and not eating at all. I’m back to the avoidance. I’m back to being alone, and feeling like I have no one to talk to, and most importantly, I’m back to figuring out how to save my marriage from sinking with my ship. I’m back to sitting in a hot bath, in tears, writing a blog. I’m back to the silence, and a cup of hot tea to calm what ever the fuck these nerves are.
And so here were are at the start line, again;