Over a year ago, my heart filled with joy… and in the last few days…. it’s completely shattered into a million pieces. My wife and I opened our home and hearts to a child we love dearly. We went through classes, trainings, questionings, therapies, and so many more things… however none of them could prepare us to say good bye. I went from miss Kelsey, to Kelsey, to Momma, and now…. I’m just a distant figure in someone’s heart that I hope some day can look back and remembered that we tried.

When you foster a child, the information they give you is such a large amount that you drill it into your brain so you can’t forget it. There is no handbook on how to handle a child though. There’s no handbook for what your heart will feel. There’s no handbook on how to tell people you no longer have your daughter when they ask where she’s at. There’s no correct way to answer your families questions on what happened… and there’s no handbook on how to grieve a child that’s still alive.

Today we had our final meeting with our case worker, and each minute it lasted…. I felt a whole in my heart growing bigger and bigger. I made it through the home visit without completely breaking down, as soon as the front door shut… I lost it and fell into my wife’s arms. I looked down the hallway and saw my daughters room, it was dark and empty. I’ll never look down the hall and hear her singing to kooper again. I’ll never hear her snoring when I leave the house at 545 in the morning again. I’ll never get the hugs again, the laughs, or the tears.

Went went from adoption a few weeks away, to this. My heart is torn. My brain is in a cluster. My stomach is in knots. I’ve lost many people in my life. I’ve buried loved ones. None of that… will ever compare to this. Ever.

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