Let’s face it.
I’ve been there. I’ve been lying on my bathroom floor after heartbreaks that seem to take all of my being. I’ve been gasping for what felt like my last breath through the tears that couldn’t stop falling. Each time after I would continuously take back toxic relationships that were clearly not what I needed, I asked myself what the hell I was doing wrong? Why did I deserve to be treated like this? Why did I have it in my head that I needed the toxicity that a human being was giving me? Why was I settling? I’m no love guru. I’ve been hurt countless times, I’ve hurt people countless times…. but here I am… living my “fairy tale love story”, with the woman of my dreams.
I like to think that when we are young, and desperate for exceptance and love and whatever else…. we take what we can get. Sometimes taking what you can get, means taking someone cheating on you, and using you as a doormat to dust of their muddy boots. I think it also means settling, because we think that “this is the best I’m going to get”.
I realize now though, I was only looking for what I wanted… not what I needed. I wanted attention, I wanted someone to kiss and stay the night with. I wanted someone that would beg for me to come back, after they had done something wrong to me. I never had standards, and I never had enough self respect to stop and say “this sure as hell not what I deserve”, even though this is what I did and didn’t do… I’m beyond thankful it happened.
I set standards for myself, and my life. Before I met my fiancé, I sat down with myself and took an oath that I would never fall in love again, unless it awoke my soul, I’m totally aware of how distorted that sounds because it’s cliche… but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t. I finally had enough of settling and wasting my time when I had bigger things in my life to think about. So instead of paying attention to things I “wanted”, I started thinking about what I Needed.
I needed, an honest soul.
I needed the same amount of patience, and care I was giving out.
I needed to be respected.
I needed to be respectful.
I needed healthy.
I needed conversations.
I needed team work.
And I needed soul food.
I needed to laugh, and yell, and love, and live.
I needed to be adventurous.
I NEEDED to LOVE and RESPECT MYSELF, before anyone else could, and as soon as I learned to do these things…. I fell in love….. with me, and then when the timing was right…. I showed up in a sandwich shop to eat lunch with my best friend pam, and little did I know that the woman behind the counter, would be the woman I’m marrying.
Spending my life with Marisa, has been the hardest, most rewarding, most beautiful, most meaningful thing I’ve ever done…. and it all started with me loving MYSELF first.
My dear Marisa,
You are the light. You are the sun. You are the moon and the stars. What started out in a sandwich shop, and Netflix dates, and waiting four weeks to ask for my number, and three weeks to kiss me, is by far becoming the best part of me. Our adventure is so amazing.