I’ve always been daddies little girl. My mom was crap…. not a crappy person…. but as herself she was crap. The countless jail visits, the countless guilt trip phone calls, the countless knocks on the doors… everything was just crap. The mother wasn’t around, the father was. My story has recently changed… and although it’s the worst heart break a daughter could ever endure, it has made me hold my little girl closer, it has made my love for my fiancé and our relationship grow stronger, and it has made me a unbreakable.
My dad was always my best friend growing up. I laughed with him, cried with him, held his hand during chemo, went on dates to Barnes & noble on the weekends, worked underneath cars with him, and the list goes on. I was with my dad, and he was with me… most of the time. Stacy was sent to prison for an actual lengthy sentence and my dad was left with me. Although it sort of felt like a custody battle where I was just being used as a trophey, I could understand that my dad loved me and wanted to keep me safe. Besides, my “mom” was in prison… so there was technically no reason for anyone to even conversat about who was getting me.
My brother left for the marines the summer before I was a sophomore. I went crazy and decided that drinking and smoking was much more fun than actually getting an education, and at the time… it was worth losing everything that mattered to me. So I went ahead and threw everything away. During that time, my father and I had a rocky relationship… we had an argument. I still remember the exact words he said to me. At 24, they still make my heart crumble and break. “You’re just like your mom”. “I’m ashamed of you”. “Pack your bags, I’m taking you to DHS.” Although I deserved the reality check to make me realize what a shit head I was being, I never thought I would ever hear those words from someone that I cared about, and loved. They have followed me through out my adult life, and I don’t think they will ever actually go away.
Ive always been ambushed by negativity whenever I did anything against what my father thought or said. I was young, got married way to fast, and ended up being separated my entire relationship. I remember every time this situation would bother me or cause me grief, it was always “I told you so”, even though I never once had anyone “tell me so” that my marriage would end and would make me a better person in the long run… and would bring out the real me. I came out to my family that I was interested in women when I was 20 years old…. of course I know they all thought it was just “phase” after what had happened to me during the marriage…. but I truly think it took them by surprise when they realized that I’m in love with my soul/life partner Marisa…. and that I’m going to marry her. Even with this…. there was no support. We got support from my step mom, only for it to be thrown back in my face, just like everything else had before by my father. Everything was once again my fault and I was the shameful daughter and that was selfish and didn’t care about anyone but myself so on and so on.
So wth that being said, now that I’ve written a damn near novel…. this is for you. The man I loved more than life itself, the man who created me, the man who was apart of all of my big “firsts” and the man who finally broke my heart and spirit before any other man could. This one is for you, dad.
I will think of you every single day, I will pray for you. I will always send my best wishes to you on whatever path you will set out on. I will always hold to open arms to hug you with if you are ever to come my way. I will always remember to be strong, and I will always be able to pick myself back up after being kicked down by the negative and heart breaking words that others chose to speak. I will never forget the life lessons you taught me, I will never forget the times I held your hand so tight in fear of losing you. I will never forget the times I helped you and your family. I will never forget the jokes we had, reading books in isles for hours at a time, or the few heart warming conversations we had.
Thank you, for everything you did for me as a child. Thank you for walking away from me as a woman. Thank you for breaking my heart into a million pieces, and thank you for not putting them back together… because I put them back together. I’ve accepted that ou were the best father you were able to be. I forgive you, and I admire you.
I always have, and I always will.
Love, your little girl.